FULL BLEED: It’s all your f*cking fault.
Michael Patrick Sullivan

Being an inarticulate rant on enablers in the comics industry.

There’s a lot of monstrously horrifying comic stores out there. This is not news.

Now, not all comics stores are bad. In fact, I know of a few good ones. I’m not talking about them, but before we continue, I want you to think hard. Is the comic shop you frequent really a good one, or have you just convinced yourself of that?

I’ll wait.

Thinking?

Okay, let us focus on some of the truly craptacular ones. I don’t need to go into things like places with cat-piss in the back issues, one shadeless lamp that illuminates the place (and threatens a fiery demise) and posters in the window that are advertising the advent of the new Maxi-Series format in CAMELOT 3000, or the life-changing event that is the Death of Superman.

Many, if not all of us, are aware of what qualities go into the worst of comic stores. Those that perpetuate the public image that comic shops are not a place for normal people to be (at least without full-body containment suits).

I want to squarely lay some blame now.

These stores exist because people shop at them. Possibly even you. Is it because it’s on the way to work? Is it because the only other store is 100 miles away? Or maybe the "good" store is 6 miles out of your way and you can only get there on Saturdays and you can’t wait until then?

Is it the ten percent off? Trust me. You’re losing that ten percent with all the extra soap you have to buy in order to scrub the parasites off your body after you picked them up in Stinkhole Comics and Cards. If you can afford enough in comics that the ten percent is actually significant, then you can afford to pay that extra ten percent to further a business worth furthering.

It’s the goddamn 21st century. There are alternatives. There’s Khepri, there’s Westfield, there’s even Mile High. You can get this stuff in the mail, often with an excellent discount and a lack of curious odors.

I don’t want to hear your sorry excuses for why you give your hard-earned cheese to the fat, smelly man in the undersized Green Lantern t-shirt that’s slowly be eaten away by the colonies of whatever it is that are camped under his disgusting folds.

Knock it off. If you’re really so fucking indentured to your X-Men habits, why don’t you just switch to the hard stuff? Fire up a crack pipe and maybe you’ll do us all a favor and slip so far so fast that we won’t even waste welfare money on your corpse.

You only go there when your significant other isn’t with you because he or she might think that’s it’s a heroin pick-up joint, and then you’ll have many more questions to answer besides. (Seriously, why does anyone like Aquaman?) If you got sick from the McDonald’s where you thought you saw a guy pick his nose, you’d start going to a different McDonald’s, right? Or you’d even go to Burger King. (Fill in acceptable substitutes if the whole fast food analogy isn’t working for you). Is it so much for you to apply the same behavior to your pamphlet shopping?

This really is a win-win situation.

Firstly, maybe Stinky McNasty will get the hint and start vacuuming, dusting and showering.

Secondly, maybe he’ll just close. His remaining customers will have to do whatever you’re doing. If that’s going to an out of town store, maybe that out-of-town store owner will see an expansion opportunity and you’ll once again be closer to your comic shop and this time it’ll look and smell like an actual retail establishment.

Thirdly, the minor inconvenience will deter you from getting comics and you’ll realize you just don’t care that much and give up collecting, thereby saving you money to spend on crack (because if you’re not buying comics, nobody needs you).

I’m not done. Even if you’ve got a great store, you still might be doing something wrong. You’re getting X-TREME X-MEN aren’t you? You don’t like it, do you? You’ve even said "I wish they'd just cancel it."

Why should they? Dumbasses like you keep giving them money for it.

What’s that you say, you wrote a letter complaining about how the writing sucks?

That’s going to make them see the light and they’ll get a new team on board, or cancel the book outright.

No. it really isn’t.

This isn’t about giving people exactly what they want. (I’ll get into another time). This is about giving people the absolute minimum that they want in order for them to get some cash out and hand it over. Apparently, with you, all it took was a liberal use of the letter X. (I’d like to point out at this juncture that analogy substitution works here too. Use whatever book title you’re buying but not enjoying). Raise your fucking standards.

What’s that? If you drop X-TREME X-MEN then your set will be incomplete?

You really need the crack. That’ll at least make you feel good as you slip into the skanky beyond.

You have enslaved yourself in so many ways.

Is there maybe something I can sell you so that when I make another one you’ll be compelled to buy it. I just need a few more like you and I can buy a swanky new Jeep. Since your standards are so incredibly low (as evidenced by the X thing) how about a nice steaming pile of sh...ale.

Yes. Shale. I put a small shale stone in a pot of boiling water for a couple of minutes and then sell it you you for about twelve dollars American. I’ll also make you come to a dusty, silverfish infested, cat-piss smelling condemned building where I will serve it to you after several days of not bathing and I’ll be sure to wear a grimy t-shirt depicting Lady Death or some such.

Same damn thing you’re doing now.

If none of this applies to you, then e-mail it to someone who needs an intervention.

Michael Patrick Sullivan will be appearing in the role of Tam, a small Vietnamese child in the Earls’ Eats Dinner Theatre version of Miss Saigon. Ten percent off Chicken Parmesan with mention of this column.


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