PrOpinion: Andrew Dabb.

Alright, so I was asked to write this because, apparently, I'm a "shoot from the hip" type of guy. Of course I think we all know the truth; these rumor mongers and yellow journalists at PopImage think I'm dumb enough to say something so controversial and stupid that it will make good fodder in their message boards. Not to mention burn all my bridges and make me a virtual outcast, like Brian Augustyn. It's all a plot to ruin me, kill my chances of writing the "Witchblade/Fathom: Moist Boobies!!!" crossover and get themselves some traffic. "Come," they'll say, "watch the hack writer who lucked into a Vertigo gig make a fool of himself!". And you'll come, and you'll mock me and then I'll have to hang myself.

Well it's not happening you rat bastards! Holier than thou motherfuckers! Yeah, I'm on to you and your little games. Don't think I'm not! So you want a thousand words huh? I'll give you a thousand words! A thousand words of morality! Of righteousness! Of the Bible!! Let us begin;

And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat [a son] in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth: And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters: And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died. And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters: And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died. And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan: And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters: And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died. And James Robinson begat Joe Casey. And Cainan lived seventy years, and begat Mahalaleel: And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters: And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died. And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared: And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.

...Okay enough of that, if I quote anymore I'll get to the story of Noah. Which, as we all know is plagiarized from the Sumerian Epic of Gilgamesh. Kind of like what went on between Grant Morrison and those guys the made the Matrix except with a better story and less tight fitting leather (Wow, a reference to ancient mythology and the comics industry merged seamlessly! Eat my dust Gaiman).

So who am I and why am I here? My name is Andrew Dabb and I wrote "HAPPYDALE: DEVILS IN THE DESERT" a prestige format mini-series published by DC/Vertigo this past summer. Hailed as "Disappointing, but with nice art", HAPPYDALE was read by, I'm told, seventeen people. Apparently that's enough for the fellows (and fellettes) at PopImage to let me clutter their site, so much for journalistic standards. Ostentatiously this is supposed to be about comic book writing, but let's face it, comic book writing is a boring topic. Especially when there are so many other pressing matters in the industry such as; Why did Wizard name its comic book line after a brand of vibrator? Why does Frank Miller follow me around all the time? And, of course, why won't Paul Levitz return my calls? So if the topic "branches" don't panic, though of course I won't be talking about porn because I do that at my paysite; www.fatguystalkinporno.com. Pay the entry fee and you get to see exclusive pictures from the Vertigo offices where, of course, everyone works nude and high. And believe you me, Axel Alonso is all man!

Alright, I'm being told to get on with it because apparently there are server space concerns. It seems someone made the mistake of asking Erik Larsen what he thought of Garth Ennis and his response went on for eighty pages, included a number of graphic illustrations and several dirty limericks. So, let's talk about characterization, shall we?

Usually characterization is inversely related to the "shock value" or "visual appeal" of a piece. Length is also important (...). For example, porn does not have a lot of characterization, "War and Peace" does. The former is all about repressed evolutionarily viable reproductive tendencies, the latter some Russian people. You see the difference. The longer a series goes the more important characterization is. Sandman went 76 issues, great characterization was necessary to get the reader to invest because, after awhile, shock value wears thin. Of course no new series can expect to be around for 76 issues anymore, which is why space concerns tend to limit characterization and focus more on plot or visual appeal. But on the other hand we have characters that have been around for 300+ issues and become stagnant. Obviously there is a limit to what you can do to one character before discarding him or her and moving on. And that, in short, is why I am all for Warren Ellis and his cousins taking over the X-books. Also, I figure when they fail I can always delete this article and pitch my idea; "Professor X: Hard Boiled Detective!".

You know the most common question I get asked since HAPPYDALE got published, besides "Who are you?" and "Is it supposed to look like that?", is "I'm a much better writer than you, Andrew, how do I break into comics?" My standard answer is learn how to suck dick like an industrial grade Hoover. But of course I'm only kidding, that could cause some serious damage, Dustbuster is a more appropriate level. Haha, here again I'm just pulling you leg (or stump, for you amputees). The real way to break into comics is, and here's the big secret they don't want you to know; begging. Alright then, moving on. The third most frequently asked question is; "Oh, right, Happydale the book that rips off ____________" (insert "Twin Peaks", "Picket Fences", "Eerie, Indiana" or "The X-Files" as you see fit). And the fourth most often asked question, and the real reason I've brought you this far; "Now that you're a published writer do you get a lot of babes?" This always comes from people who do not read comics, a comic book reader would know that the fanboy equivalent of "babes" are men in Lady Death t-shirts so obese they have a set of C-cups. And yet I, in my idiocy, have actually bragged about HAPPYDALE in the hopes of impressing a girl. Pathetic but true, please, come with me back in time six months to just after HAPPYDALE #2 came out....(insert little swirling graphic and spooky music here);

INT - COMIC BOOK SHOP IN UTAH - DAY

ANDREW (5'8", overweight, with an unkept Alan Moore starter beard) enters. He walks over to the Vertigo display and is pleased to see the shop actually ordered a copy of HAPPYDALE 1 and 2. He picks up a few comics and goes up to the counter. Notices the girl manning the register is a) actually a girl and b) not bad looking. She is reading a copy of Sandman.

Sad, isn't it? Now, to prevent this from ever happening again, every time I see a woman I run and hide. So far it's working and my heart rate is up! Win, win! And how does that relate to the topic of characterization? Well, my friend, from the above you should get a very good idea of my character that can be summed up in one word; loser. It also should be apparent that characterization can be pointless, boring and have misogynistic undertones. Pretty illuminating, eh?

Okay, I really, really tried to make this a useful article about characterization but my attention span isn't that long. Instead it has devolved into mindless wanderings with no real point, moral or reason. Well, except self-promotion. Talk about shameless, eh? I honestly don't think you need to be clued into this, but I just had a friend read it and he said I'd better spell that out because some people might not "get it". Of course he was drunk, but then again so am I. That'll teach these PopImage jerks to beginning their letter asking me to do this with; "Hey, Scott Shaw! wasn't interested..."

Anyhow I'm now up to 1489 words, almost 500 more than the normal length for one of these things (I'm abiding by Liefeld's Law: "If you can't stun them with quality, choke them to death with quantity") so I'll end with a few final bits; Shameless self-promotion is okay, it's worked for everyone from Mark Twain to Paul Pope. Try to get started as young as possible in the business, this way when you have to cop to not having read something you should have (like, say, "Doom Patrol") you can say "before my time", thus drawing attention to the fact that you are young and virile while your competition is old and nicotine dependant. Finally, point of view is the only thing you can bring to the table as a writer, have one.

That's it, good night folks, try the veal.

Andrew Dabb is the writer of Happydale: Devils in the Desert..

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