HOW2B... JOHN CONSTANTINE.
PopImage can help you blaze a trail through Hell, Hackney, or even New Hampshire.

Brian Azzarello has taken over writing duties on HELLBLAZER, and he is the first American - in fact, the first writer born outside the British Isles - to be contracted to do so on an ongoing basis. This month, PopImage presents the definite guide for all Americans aspiring to pass themselves off as Englishmen. How2B... John Constantine.

First things first. The language. Speaking English should be easy enough, but as Dick Van Dyke proved - and a generation of comics writers has confirmed - Americans can't talk the talk of a real Englishman. American writers throw outdated words like 'plonker' and 'prat' into their dialogue with abandon, and freely use words like 'wanker' (masturbator) and 'bugger' (sodomiser) in inappropriate circumstances. Worse still is the abuse of the word 'bloody', which should only be used emphatically, and the antiquarian term of endearment 'luv', which is pronounced 'love', and should therefore be spelt 'love'. Furthermore, it should be avoided by characters that are not either nurses or school dinnerladies.

The other thing to be careful of is to not make your Englishman sound like a Californian. While it is true that the English pick up a lot from American cinema and television, they don't, like, y'know, get, like, totally carried away. Not unless they're mocking the simple colonials. To get the English vernacular right, you need to think irreverent and cynical, throw in a liberal sprinkling of swearwords, and make frequent mention of the weather. Also, wherever possible, mock the simple colonials.

To get the look of John Constantine, you will need one trenchcoat, priced at around 40 English pounds, and.. that's it. That's the whole look. Beyond that, it's important not to worry too much about being clean and well-groomed. In fact, a key element to becoming John is to smoke about sixty cigarettes a day. Silk Cut, for preference. In due course, this will have the proper effect on your skin, teeth and fingernails. The routine consumption of good single malt scotch will help with the bloodshot eyes, and will also shift your body clock into the right hemisphere, which is to say, the one six hours behind the one you're living in.

"a key element to becoming John is to smoke about sixty cigarettes a day"

John Constantine's paraphernalia is pretty much limited to cigarettes and alcohol. There's some nonsense about magic, but to be honest, John never really does too much of that, so you might get away with bluffing. If you're really eager, you can always try learning hypnotism, which tends to account for the bulk of John's power. However, if you head into the rough neighborhoods with a gold pocket watch and a glassy stare, don't expect people to respond well to a whispering chant of "you are feeling sleepy". Technically, you should also endeavor to find yourself a friendly taxi driver who never charges for your journeys, but that really would be a sign of magical powers.

Your basic Constantine is the Alan Moore version. The Moore Constantine is all about getting the right attitude. Moore's Constantine was a young, smart, arrogant man who was never surprised by anything. Imagining yourself with the biggest balls in the world will help you get the mood, but might interfere with the swagger.

Next up was Jamie Delano, who gave us the fully rounded Constantine we know so well today. Delano's Constantine lived in a bleak, miserable world, so moving to Germany might be a smart move. Constantine also had encounters with fictional characters like Sherlock Holmes, had a pint of demon's blood placed in his veins, and had sex. All of this is pure fantasy as far as you're concerned. However, the most important thing Delano brought to Constantine is a feature that the true adherent really needs to pay attention to.

All your friends must die.

There it is. I'm sorry, but there's no negotiation on this one. School friends, work mates, and maybe even people who smile sweetly at you on the bus; they all have to die. That's not even the worst part, either. It has to be your fault. That's not to say you have to murder them. You just have to get them involved in something dangerous, like bungee jumping or paragliding, or teaching in a high school. If any of them love you, they have to go mad before they die. If any of them survive, they have to leave you. Don't worry, though. You won't miss all those dead people. You'll remember them forever. Because they'll keep hanging around and talking to you.

"All your friends must die."

After Delano came Garth Ennis, which is bad news for any friends that survived the first purge. It's also bad news for you, because in among the voodoo and the vampires, you now have to contract a terminal illness. At this point, well, you die. Join us next month for how to be... Boston Brand.

No? OK, then after Ennis is Paul Jenkins, and this is where anyone not born in the UK is bound to have trouble, as the social politics and the native mythology get kicked into high gear. Just remember; Merlin, bad. End of the world; bad. Demons; very bad. Margaret Thatcher; fucking terrible.

The last writer to get a decent crack at Constantine before Azzarello was Warren Ellis, though his run of horrible London-tales was cut short. That's OK, though, as Warren was nice enough to detail the 'Ellis Variations' well in advance of his time on HELLBLAZER. To be Pete Wisdom, swap the beige trenchcoat for a black one. To be Jenny Sparks, get breasts.

If you've successfully followed all the above (except maybe the terminal illness), then congratulations. You're not actually John Constantine, because that would involve doing battle with the devil and fighting on behalf of the disadvantaged and downtrodden. You are, however, very probably drunk. And that's good enough.

Andrew Wheeler is Editorial Consultant of PopImage.

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