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illustration (c) Josť Villarrubia 2000 digital

illustration (c) Josť Villarrubia 2000
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Art by Chip Zdarsky. Copyright 2002.

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STARVED FOR ATTENTION: THOR'S HAMMER GETS STOLEN
By Zack Smith

FADE IN:

            EXT. ASGARD - DAY

            Itís well-known that Marvel wants Thor pieces as part of
            their new talent search, resulting in thousands and thousands
            of people writing short Thor pieces.   Now, Iím not one for
            mass conformity, but on the other hand, I am a shameless
            whore who would gladly kill all of you to work at Marvel.

            So hereís a Thor piece...a la SFA.  You may all quit trying
            now, because once Marvel sees this STUNNING dramatic piece
            dealing with the conflict betwen man and god, displaying a
            true and EXCELLENT grasp of this legendary character!  And
            itís based on a REAL Norse myth, too!  Hereís...

            TALES OF ASGARD: THORíS HAMMER GETS STOLEN

            INT. THORíS HOUSE - DAY

            Thor wakes up after a night of ale and carousing.

                                THOR
                      Ohhhh...mine head art killing me...

            LOKI barges on in.

                                LOKI
                      ĎTis daybreak, mighty Thor!  Thou wishest
                      to grabeth some grub at yon IHOP?

                                THOR
                      Loki, yon infernal villain!  Closeth yon
                      door!  I art hung over something fierce!

                                LOKI
                      Doth thou hath yon drinking problem?

                                THOR
                      Keep thine damn mouth shut.

                                LOKI
                      Very well, then.  Come then, dear brother
                      -- the Lady Sif art sunbathing in yon
                      nude!  We can getheth yon glimpse if we
                      hurryeth!

                                THOR
                          (leaps up)
                      Why didest thou not just sayeth so?!  Let
                      me get mine hammer Mjolnir!

            He gets up and opens his hammerís case...

                                THOR
                      Dude, where art mine hammer?

                                LOKI
                      Where art thouís hammer, dude?

                                THOR
                      Dude, where art mine hammer?

                                LOKI
                      Where art thouís hammer, dude?

            INT. THORíS HOUSE - TWENTY MINUTES LATER

                                THOR
                      Dude, where art mine hammer?

                                LOKI
                      Where art thouís...wait.  Let us
                      recallest what thou did last night in yon
                      state of inebriation!

                                THOR
                      Let me thinkest...wait!  I didest record
                      mine schedule in mine Palm Pilot!
                          (checks)
                      Binge drinking...tavern fight...more
                      binge drinking...another tavern
                      fight...more binge drinking...time out to
                      watch ďGilmore GirlsĒ...still more binge
                      drinking...poker with Ymir the Frost
                      Giant...

            He and Loki look at each other.

            EXT. WHEREVER IT IS FROST GIANTS LIVE - DAY

            Thor and Loki arrive, winded.

                                LOKI
                      Hurry up!  Thou art one slow-ass god!

                                THOR
                      Can it, yon whiny bitch!  ĎTis mine
                      hammer!

            Ymir the Frost Giant drags Thorís hammer around.

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Ha ha ha!  Gaze, yon trolls, on the
                      hammer of Thor, now in the hands of Ymir,
                      baddest-ass Frost Giant of all!

                                FROST GIANT
                      ĎTis true!  Ymir art THE MAN!

                                ANOTHER FROST GIANT
                      ALL HAIL YMIR!!!!!!

                                LOKI
                      By Odin!  He hath yon hammer, all right!

                                THOR
                      But not for long! I say thee nay, Ymir!
                      Give me backeth yon hammer!  Thouís
                      acquisition of it was not HONORABLE, as I
                      was shitfacedeth!

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Cry me yon river, Goldilocks!  ĎTis mine,
                      no backsies!

                                LOKI
                      But it cannot doest thou any good, Ymir!
                      Thou cannot enjoyest its powers -- only
                      THOR can lift it!  What good is a
                      lightning-hurling hammer if thou cannot
                      hurl lightning?

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      HAH!  You think I wish to control the
                      awesome power of the storms?  Thou art
                      even more stupideth than thou lookest!
                      Thunder is nothing compared to getting
                      yon CHICKS, fools!  Doth thou hath any
                      idea the kind of action Iím going to
                      gettest with this baby?

                                THOR
                      Hmm.  Thou doth hath a point.

                                LOKI
                      But be thee warned, Ymir!   That hammer
                      will be returned to its RIGHTFUL owner!

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Tryest thouís best! I am offeth to
                      findeth my new bride...eth!  Ha ha ha!
                      See thou later, yon dumbass!

            He exits with his LAUGHING frost giants.  Thor and Loki fume.

                                THOR
                      Hey!  I am not yon dumbass!  To ride yon
                      short bus to school art yon PRIVILEGE!
                      Loki, help!
                      We must gettest back mine hammer, before
                      Odin doth busteth mine ass!

                                LOKI
                      ...fine, fine.  I know!  Let us ask
                      Freya, yon fairest goddess in all Asgard
                      to go undercover and reterivest yon
                      hammer!  Surely she will agree to this
                      task!

            EXT. FREYAíS HOUSE - DAY

            Thor and Loki are THROWN out the front door.

                                FREYA
                          (from inside)
                      THOU HATH GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  AWAY,
                      YON HORNY GEEKS!

            The two sit there.  Loki fumes.

                                THOR
                      Well, this turneth out well.  Any more
                      ideas, yon smartass?

                                LOKI
                      I am NOT horny.  These horns art yon
                      FASHION statement!  Iím short, Iím
                      skinny...I need SOMETHING to make me look
                      intimidating!  I art yon God of EVIL,
                      for...uh, my sake!

                                THOR
                      Uh, Loki...

                                LOKI
                      Who the Hel can take you seriously when
                      you talk like a frigginí ďMasterpiece
                      TheaterĒ reject all the time?!  Jeeze!
                      IT ART YON SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, YON
                      JACKASSES!

                                THOR
                      Gettest it together, Loki!  We must
                      deviseth another planeth!

                                LOKI
                      ...whatevereth.  I know!  If Ymir desires
                      a woman, we shall GIVETH him one!

                                THOR
                      What doth thou meanest?

            INT. THORíS HOUSE - LATER

                                THOR
                      THIS ART THOUíS WORST IDEA EVER!

            Thor stands in a dress and makeup.  Loki applies wax to his
            legs.

                                LOKI
                      Standeth still!  If we can convince Ulik
                      that thou art a woman, we can get close
                      to him and stealeth back thouís hammer!
                      Now let me remove yon strips...

            He RIPS off the bikini wax strips.

                                THOR
                      AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  BY ODINíS BEARD,
                      WHAT INFERNAL TORTURE IS THIS?!

            EXT. YMIRíS MEAD-HALL - DAY

            YMIR exits with his trolls.  Thor stands outside in drag.

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Yes, Ymir art going to get MAD babes with
                      this bad mother, and...whatís this?  Who
                      art this enchanting maiden?

                                THOR
                          (high-pitched)
                      Hello, noble frost giant!  Thou art the
                      handsomest frost giant I hath ever seen!

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Be still my black heart!  O maiden, tell
                      me thouís name!

                                THOR
                      Thor...um, a!  Thora...
                          (looks around, sees birch tree)
                      ...Birch!  Yes, that art it!  Thora
                      Birch!

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Yon Thora Birch, thou hath stolen mine
                      heart!  Be mine bride!  I will givest
                      thou this hammer as a dowry!

                                THOR
                      Umm...marriage?  Couldest I just go out
                      with thou, or let thou feelest me up or--

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      A WEDDDING...OR DEATH!

                                THOR
                      ...yes, that art good.

            INT. YMIRíS MEAD-HALL - LATER

            Ymir throws a BIG PARTY to celebrate his new engagement.
            Thor sits next to him, shoveling down food.

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Yon Thora Birch!  Thou doth eateth like
                      yon man!  Whateth be upeth with thateth?

                                THOR
                      I, um...uh...am saving mine energy for
                      yon honeymoon!  Yes, that art it!

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                          (shudders with pleasure)
                      Oh-ho-ho, Ymir can picketh them, thatís
                      for sure! Let me taste the nectar of
                      thouís lips!

                                THOR
                      Um...yon hammer first?

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                          (hands it over)
                      Here, here.  Now giveth it upeth!

                                THOR
                      Uh...thouís leg art rubbing against me...

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      That art no leg, fair maiden!   You want
                      to know WHY weíre called ďFrost Giants?Ē

            Under the table, he starts rubbing his hand up Thorís thigh.
            Thorís eyes go wide.

                                THOR
                          (pretending to cry)
                      I, uh...later?  I am so overwhelmed by
                      mine luck at landing such a giant I--

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Oh, come on now!  Thou cried when I tried
                      to toucheth thee...thou cried when I
                      tried to danceth with thee...and I have
                      had just about enough of thouís...
                          (hand hits...something)
                      ...crying game?

                                THOR
                      AAAAAAAHHH!!!  THOU ART CREATING MEMORIES
                      I MUST REPRESSETH!!!

            He grabs his hammer and stands, looking like a BAD ASS.

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                      Oh, crapeth.

            A massive BAR FIGHT erupts!  Thor BEATS the Frost giants
            SENSELESS!  As he stands over Ymir...

                                THOR
                      Just so thou knowest, Ymir...NOBODY
                      gropes the Mighty Thor.

                                YMIR THE FROST GIANT
                          (groaning)
                      Thatís it.  From now on, itís backeth to
                      yon Spanish Fly for me!

            INT. THORíS HOUSE - LATER

            Thor tries to get his makeup off.

                                THOR
                      Bah!  I kneweth I should hath not used
                      yon waterproof rouge!

                                LOKI
                      But it bringeth out thouís highlights!

                                THOR
                      Caneth it!  At least we gotteth mine
                      hammer back!  And Odin art none the
                      wiser!

                                LOKI
                      I supposeth so...

                                THOR
                      What doth thou meanest?

                                ODIN
                          (banging on the door)
                      THOR!  WHAT ART YON MEANING OF THESE
                      PICTURES I WAS SENTETH?!  ART THOU NOW A
                      TRANSVESTITETH?!

                                THOR
                      LOKI!

                                LOKI
                          (winks)
                      Ainít I a stinkereth?

            FADE OUT.

            YON ENDETH.

Hot damn, Marvelís gonna be all OVER me with this sucker!


Zack Smith is a regular contributor to PopImage.

Special thanks to Mr. Simonson for Thor's new look and Mr. Ortega for the fabulous coloring job.