FADE IN:
INT.
CARNEGIE DELI - DAY
“Up,
up and away!”
“With
great power comes...great responsibility!”
“PUNY
HUMAN! HULK SMASH!”
These phrases and many others have entered the popular
consciousness over the years, helping to define whole
generations of heroes. But who came up with these phrases,
anyway? Who helps the heroes know what to say when they’re
fighting the forces of evil, confronting their inner demons,
or just pinned under a bunch of stuff?
Meet
Myron Lantz, ghost writer to the stars! Called the
“Bruce Vilanch of spandex” by Time magazine and “Captain
Catchphrase” by Newsweek, Lantz has served as a mentor to
countless heroes, helping them find their true voices.
Recently,
PopImage was lucky enough to be granted an
exclusive interview with the notoriously reclusive Lantz, at
the Carnegie Deli in New York. Here are the results of this
close encounter with a living legend:
PI REPORTER
Thank you for this extraordinary
opportunity, Mr. Lantz. This is truly a
great honor, and--
LANTZ
OY, what is with all the babble?! You
going to ask the questions or not, I
should live so long?!
PI REPORTER
Ha ha ha, there’s that classic Lantz wit.
Now, you, ah, you started back in the
‘40s, correct?
LANTZ
Yeah, this, this kid Kent, he comes to me
and says, “I’m not getting the love
Myron, I need your help.” See, I’d been
helping the pulp people, you know the
whole “The Shadow Knows!” and all that?
That was me. The Shadow, he takes all
the credit for it, but that was me and he
knows it. May he rot in Hell with that
whore Doc Savage.
PI REPORTER
Right, ah, but Superman...?
LANTZ
Rush, rush, rush, what is it with you
young people? All the damn “EmineMTV”
or whatever you call that. Anyway, he’s
all crying and I’m “Clark! Stop that!
Your mother, you shame her with those
tears!” And he stopped crying and we
took a look at his situation, and the
boy, he wasn’t super enough, he wasn’t
man enough. It was all leaping an eighth
of a mile and bursting shells and all
that, and he works at this “Daily Star”
place.
PI REPORTER
Right, right...
LANTZ
So I said, “Look, the kids, they don’t
care about the leaping, anyone can leap.
My Grandma Louise, God rest her soul, SHE
could leap. Leaping’s out. Try the
flying, that’s all mythical.” He said,
“But how exactly do I do that?” I said,
“Fuggedaboudit, the kids, they’re stupid,
they’ll never ask.”
PI REPORTER
Uh huh.
LANTZ
And then I said, “And get a job at a REAL
newspaper, I know this Daily Planet
place, the boss is all cranky, the star
reporter keeps falling out of windows and
there’s this pain-in-the-ass little cub
reporter, everyone can identify with
that. Go for it.”
PI REPORTER
So that was how it all started.
LANTZ
Yeah, he kept clinging to me for years,
though. It was all “Where should I
change into my costume?” “There should be
more Kryptonians!” “Lois is too smart!”
I helped him out on all that.
PI REPORTER
There, ah, was also your work with
Batman...
LANTZ
Oh yeah, THAT kid. Real punk, all these
issues, lotta anger in that one. His
first costume -- fuggedaboudit. And his
first adventures, all grim, grim stuff,
all this vengeance. I said to him, “The
kids don’t need this. Get some HAPPY
stuff. Maybe a clown, or a little kid
who does tricks.”
PI REPORTER
Okay...
LANTZ
And then I said, “And you should also
have a funny car and maybe one of those
British butlers, they’re big in all the
moving pictures now. And explain to
people why the hell you dress like
goddamn Count Dracula, get an origin.”
And he asked me what a good origin was.
PI REPORTER
And you...supplied this.
LANTZ
Oh yeah! I said, “You know criminals,
they’re all cowardly and superstitious,
like my cousin Hershel, God rest his
soul. He ran numbers in the old
neighborhood, never ate blitzes before he
went to work, thought they were bad luck.
Then one day he said the hell with it and
ate one, and the cops, they busted him
good. So it’s like, you need to become
what they fear, ’I should become a
blintz’ or something.”
PI REPORTER
Ah. So, you were inactive for most of
the fifties...
LANTZ
The hell you say. The hell you say. I
worked my tuchus off. “Captain America:
Commie Smasher?” Me. The proliferation
of gorillas? Me. That wrinkly guy who
introduced those EC comics? My Uncle
Reuben.
He needed to get out of the house so I
got him something to do on weekends. The
body odor on that man, oy...
PI REPORTER
So you worked with EC...
LANTZ
Yeah, I did a lot of stuff, pulled it
outta my ass when I hadda. This one
time, Harvey Kurtzman, good guy, he calls
me up all desperate and says “Myron, I’m
starting this new humor magazine and we
need a catch phrase and we’re down to the
wire, I got nothing, you gotta help me.”
So I said, “Sure, how long do I have?”
And he said, “Twenty-four hours, tops.
That doesn’t worry you?” And I said,
“What, me worried? Fugged--” and I
didn’t get to finish because he hung up.
Next thing you know, I’m getting this
check in the mail, I got no idea why.
Crazy guy, Harvey.
PI REPORTER
That accounts up to your work for
Marvel...
LANTZ
Those guys...they never looked my way
during the Big One, but the turbulent
Sixties come along, who ya gonna call --
that was mine too, incidentally -- Myron
Lantz, that’s who ya call!
PI REPORTER
You helped the Fantastic Four get off the
ground...
LANTZ
Yeah, they sent me this guy, this Ben
Grimm fellow. Boy, there’s an
appropriate name, what have you. Fella,
he’s all “I’m a monster! A FREAK!” and
Lord Knows he was right. But it was
depressing the hell outta me, this big
orange rocky guy kvetching about the
crappy hand life dealt him.
PI REPORTER
Right...
LANTZ
So I said, “Have some fun with this.
You’re strong, you can throw things
around, take no crap from anyone. Let
‘em know you can clobber ‘em if you
hafta. And let ‘em know you’re a regular
joe, talk about your family or something.
You got an uncle, an aunt you have some
stories about?” And he says, “Well, I
have this Aunt Petunia, but I don’t think
people’ll want to hear about...” And I
said, “Stop, that’s gold. Talk about
your Aunt Petunia all the time.
Incessantly. That’s your in with the
people. Petunia’s the hook.” And so he
used that. We don’t talk that much
anymore. Punk.
PI REPORTER
You also did some work for other Marvel
characters, even some supervillians...
LANTZ
You know, I don’t care what they say,
that Dr. Doom is a real mensch. He calls
me to Latveria, we did a complete
makeover from what he had going. I said,
“Get a cape. People RESPECT a cape. And
if you’re really a genius, get some
robots who look like you, I mean, you
wear armor anyway, no one can tell the
difference. You’re in a bad story, just
lie and say it was a robot. And you know
what always sounds intimidating?
Referring to yourself in the THIRD
PERSON. Always works. ALWAYS.”
PI REPORTER
So that was you...
LANTZ
Yeah, I even hired a decorator to redo
his castle, before he had this whole
Liberace thing going. Great guy. We
meet for drinks whenever he’s in town.
PI REPORTER
But your career stalled out in the mid
sixties...
LANTZ
Who told you that? Who told you that?
It was a BREAK, you yutz! A break!
The heroes didn’t reject me, I rejected
THEM! And I’ll tell you why -- that punk
Batman again! He gets all cheerful and
has the “Dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna” thing
on the TV show, and then everyone’s
coming to me for advice on how to be like
HIM! And I said “Fuggedaboudit! Myron
Lantz doesn’t repeat Myron Lantz! Myron
Lantz only does ORIGINALS!” And I packed
up my bags and moved to Calfornia, did
some movie work. Those ape movies?
Those albino vampire mutants? That robot
in “Logan’s Run” with the poetry and the
ice sculptures? 100% pure Lantz.
PI REPORTER
But you came back in the eighties...
LANTZ
They needed me; I came calling. Believe
you me, *I* was the one watching those
Watchmen. Dr. Manhattan -- I was the one
who told him to go nude. Oh yeah.
PI REPORTER
And you also did some work for various
companies in the mid-’90s...
LANTZ
You know, I thought for sure “You Die To
Feed The Org of Plasm!” would catch on.
I mean, that was some of my best work.
Seriously.
PI REPORTER
...but right now, you’re in retirement
again.
LANTZ
Yeah, I just can’t get into the stuff
these days. I mean, you see these
Vertigo people? OY! The mouths on these
kids, do they kiss their mothers with
those? And don’t start me on Marvel.
Those messhuganas can kiss my tuchus and
what have you. Punks. But believe you
me -- the comics industry hasn’t heard
the last of Myron Lantz! I’m in
negotiations to do some work with this
kid Liefeld. It’s gonna be Lantzariffic!
Ah, there’s our sandwiches. You’re
paying for this, right?
FADE
OUT.
THE
END.
Zack Smith is a regular contributor to PopImage.
Special thanks to Mike Norton for the art! Check out his web site http://www.ihatemike.com.
