PopImage

STARVED FOR ATTENTION: HAROLD AND MAY
By Zack Smith

FADE IN:

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

            A funeral is in full effect. ORGAN music plays; mourners
            mourn. A SONG by legendary ‘70s troubadour-turned-Islamic
            activist CAT STEVENS plays on the SOUNDTRACK.

                                CAT STEVENS
                          (sings over)
                      Ooh, death is bad/ Yes, death is bad/ It
                      makes you unhappy/ It makes you sad/Like
                      that stupid bastard writer Salman
                      Rushdie/ Who will die screaming for those
                      stupid books he wrote/ HAIL THE
                      AYATOLLAH!

            In the back row of the funeral is an odd little guy in his
            early twenties. He watches the proceedings with odd
            detachment. An OLD LADY comes up and sits next to him.

OLD LADY
Ooh, what a lovely funeral, isn’t it?

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Yes. It acts as an emotional release for
                      my crippling inner nihilism.

                                OLD LADY
                      Ha ha! You’re such a wit, like my
                      nephew. So, you a relative of the
                      deceased?

                                YOUNG MAN
                      No, I just attend funerals randomly.
                      Death interests me more than most things.
                      That’s why I annoy my mother with faked
                      suicide attempts and drive around in a
                      hearse.

                                OLD LADY
                      Now that’s just sad. I see funerals as a
                      REAFFIRMATION of life. Why, they’re here
                      to remind you how short and precious life
                      is, and how you need to live EVERY day to
                      the fullest!

                                YOUNG MAN
                      An interesting theory. How’d you come
                      about it?

                                OLD LADY
                      Everyone around me keeps dying -- my
                      first husband was shot by a burglar, my
                      second husband got killed by a
                      supervillian, my nephew’s girlfriend got
                      tossed off a bridge -- after the seventh
                      or eighth funeral, you start to get all
                      philosophical.

                                YOUNG MAN
                      Ah. You’re a very interesting lady.
                      What’s your name?

OLD LADY
May. May Parker. What’s yours?

                                YOUNG MAN
                          (smiles)
                      Harold.

STARVED FOR ATTENTION, IN ASSOCIATION WITH POPIMAGE,
PRESENTS:

HAROLD AND MAY

A ZACK SMITH JOINT

INT. AUNT MAY’S HOUSE - DAY

                                CAT STEVENS
                          (sings over)
                      Always stay cool/Always stay calm/I
                      changed my name to Yusef Islam/Even
                      though no one remembers that and keeps
                      calling me “Cat Stevens” anyway/ Salman
                      Rushdie must die!

PETER PARKER comes in to pay a visit to his beloved aunt!

                                PETER
                      Hey, Aunt May! Just here to pay a visit
                      to my favorite swingin’ single and have a
                      heapin’ plate of your famous WHEATCAKES!

HAROLD comes in. He’s buttoning his shirt.

                                HAROLD
                      Morning! Ah, you must be Peter!
                      Pleasure to meet you!

PETER
Um...hi.

AUNT MAY enters. She’s buttoning up her blouse.

                                AUNT MAY
                      Now, Harold, I told you you didn’t have
                      to make me break...Peter! What a
                      pleasant surprise!

PETER
Aunt May...?

AUNT MAY
Oh good, you’ve met Harold!

                                PETER
                      Nice to, ah, meet you...Harold. Is this
                      your, um, new boarder, Aunt May?

                                AUNT MAY
                          (a pause)
                      You could say that, yes.

                                HAROLD
                      May, give me a minute with Peter. I’ll
                      straighten things up right nice.

May exits. Harold turns to Peter.

                                HAROLD
                      Now, um, Peter, I understand if you’re
                      nervous...

                                PETER
                      I hope I don’t seem rude. It’s just that
                      Aunt May’s last boarder turned out to be
                      Doctor Octopus...

                                HAROLD
                      Oh, quite a predicament, that. Well, I’m
                      no supervillian, that’s for sure.

PETER
Whew! That’s a relief!

                                HAROLD
                      No, it’s nothing like that, I’ve no evil
                      plans at all. All I’m doing here is
                      sticking it to your aunt.

PETER
At least you’re not a clone...WHAT?!

                                HAROLD
                      You know...sticking it? Makin’ bacon?
                      Bumping uglies?   Burying the bone?
                      Launching the rocket?   Parting the meat
                      curtain? Pulling the beef bus into Tuna
                      Town?

PETER
You’re doing WHAT with her?!

                                HAROLD
                      Well actually, I didn’t phrase that
                      correctly. So sorry if I gave you the
                      wrong impression....

PETER
Oh. Whew. For a minute there, I thought-

                                HAROLD
                      ...I mean, May really prefers it when I
                      hit her doggy-style.

                                PETER
                          (covers mouth with hand)
                      Oh my GOD!

                                HAROLD
                      It’s not as bad as you’d think -- her
                      back is STRONG. Of course, it WAS a
                      little odd the first time she mounted my
                      prostrate form like a jockey atop an
                      Arabian stallion. Seeing her topless was
                      like someone took two grapefruits and
                      dumped them down a pair of tube socks,
                      we’re talking twin tetherball time...

PETER
Stop...for the love of God, stop...

                                HAROLD
                      ...not to mention the way the “tops o’
                      the mountains” look like a pair of
                      dehydrated raisins and have these
                      calluses on them, and how her arthritis
                      affects her ability to, um, USE her
                      hands...

PETER
Sweet merciful...

                                HAROLD
                       ...and then there’s those liver spots
                      covering the “rear admiral,” and how the
                      “point of entry” is all wrinkled and
                      sagging and the “carpet matches the
                      curtains,” and don’t get me started on
                      the incontinence and how I found out
                      about that stuff between her toes...

PETER
ENOUGH! ENOUGH!

                                HAROLD
                      ...but the thing of it is...I LOVE her.
                      She’s so bright, and cheerful, and never
                      lets life get her down, despite the many
                      adversities it throws her way. And while
                      there may be a vast difference in our
                      ages, and while we’re both a bit, well,
                      insane...she makes me want to LIVE life.
                      She means EVERYTHING to me. And I’m
                      pretty sure she feels the same way about
                      me.

                                PETER
                      Hmm. Well, I GUESS if you really do care
                      for her, I should keep an open mind about
                      love transcending all boundaries and...

                                HAROLD
                       ...except for this one time when I was
                      down there and I heard this moaning, and
                      I pried my head out from between her legs
                      and she’s going “Oh, Ben! BEN!”, that
                      HURT, but she more than made up for it
                      when she took out her false teeth and...

Peter flees the room. May comes back in.

AUNT MAY
How’d he take it, dear?

                                PETER
                          (from bathroom)
                      BLAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

HAROLD
Better than I expected, actually.

EXT. LUUUUUVVVVV MONTAGE - DAY

            Harold and May dance through fields of flowers, attend a lot
            of funerals, and copulate like minks. Yet another CAT
            STEVENS song plays on the soundtrack!

                                CAT STEVENS
                          (sings over)
                      Baby, I love you/ I love you a lot/
                      You’re totally groovy/ But you know
                      what’s not?/ Disobeying the Ayatollah/
                      Yeah, that ain’t cool/ Don’t read “The
                      Satanic Verses”/ Not even in school!

INT. AUNT MAY’S HOUSE - DAY

Harold comes in.

                                HAROLD
                      Hey May! I got the lubricant and those
                      cucumbers you wanted, but I couldn’t find
                      any barnyard animal-related rental
                      agencies...May?

He looks to the floor -- May has collapsed!

HAROLD
May? May?! NOOOOOOOOO!

He rushes her to the hospital!

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

May lies in a COMA!

HAROLD
What’s wrong, Doctor?

                                DOCTOR
                      We’re...we’re not sure! It’s...it’s some
                      kind of disease we’ve NEVER seen before!

                                PETER
                      Oh NO! This is MY fault! If only I’d
                      BEEN there!   WHY?! Why must I hurt
                      EVERYONE around me?! I’m a TERRIBLE
                      human being! I’m a FAILURE as a nephew!
                      I fail at EVERYTHING! I don’t DESERVE to
                      live!
                          (starts hitting himself)

HAROLD
Peter...?

                                PETER
                          (stops suddenly)
                      Sorry, reflex. Well, I’m afraid *I* know
                      what’s wrong with Aunt May. It’s...Her
                      Disease.

HAROLD
“Her Disease?”

                                PETER
                      Yep. See, Aunt May is such a
                      ridiculously frail old woman that every
                      six months or so she has a heart attack,
                      a stroke, cancer, radiation sickness,
                      gingivitis, multiple sclerosis, herpes,
                      Ebola, athlete’s foot, ADD, ingrown
                      toenail, Tourette’s Syndrome, Social
                      Anxiety Disorder, Irritable Bowel
                      Syndrome, clinical depression,
                      schizophrenia, tennis elbow, leprosy or
                      somesuch disease that brings her to the
                      edge of death unless she’s saved by a
                      miracle cure that only Spider-Man can
                      provide at the last possible minute. It
                      gets kind of irritating after a while,
                      but hey, can’t let her die.

                                HAROLD
                      My...God. I’m going to need to THINK
                      about this. Do I really want to put
                      myself though the pain of a relationship
                      with someone who has...Her Disease?

He exits!

EXT. ROAD - DAY

Harold drives toward a CLIFF in his HEARSE!

                                HAROLD
                      That’s it! Life just isn’t WORTH living
                      without May! I’m going to KILL myself!

Suddenly, a song by CAT STEVENS plays on the hearse’s RADIO!

                                CAT STEVENS
                      So your girlfriend’s half-dead/And you
                      want to die too/ And you’re scared and
                      you’re sad/ And you don’t know what to
                      do/ Well, perk up guy/ ‘Cause life goes
                      on/ Live it one day at a time/ Sing this
                      song!
                          (pause)
                      Salman Rushdie sucks.

                                HAROLD
                      He’s...he’s RIGHT! I want to LIVE! I’m
                      putting the brakes on right now...wait a
                      minute, something’s wrong...HELP!

INT. HOSPITAL - LATER

                                DOCTOR
                      It’s a good thing Spider-Man got that
                      miracle cure to you in time, Miss Parker!
                      You almost died from that Hepatitis B
                      infection!

                                AUNT MAY
                      I suppose you’re right, though I still
                      can’t stand that awful creature. Where’s
                      Harold?

                                PETER
                      Bad news, Aunt May. He..his hearse went
                      off a cliff. I’m afraid...he’s dead.

                                AUNT MAY
                      Oh no! Well, another excuse to go to a
                      funeral, I suppose. Sigh.

                                POLICEMAN
                      Yeah, it’s the oddest thing though. His
                      feet had somehow been GLUED to the gas
                      pedal by this strange, web-like
                      material...

                                PETER
                          (innocently)
                      Hmm.   How odd. Anyone for wheatcakes?

                                CAT STEVENS
                          (sings over)
                      So that’s the end/ Of this parody/ Now go
                      on with your lives/ Screw Salman Rushdie!

FADE OUT.

THE END.

Zack Smith is a regular contributor to PopImage. ZACK SMITH (zacharymsmith@hotmail.com) would like to state that he bears no malice towards the Islamic faith in general; he just likes Salman Rushdie novels. Also, special thanks to Scott Shaw! for his incredible art, and rent the REAL “Harold and Maude” movie sometime. It’s marginally less disgusting than this.