HOW2B: DOCTOR DOOM.
Did you ever dream of attaining unimaginable power? Did you ever wish to be a monarch, conquer America, rule the world, or wield the energies of a God? Marvel's premier villain, Doctor Victor Von Doom, has done all of these things and more. Want to be like Doom? Frankly, you haven't a chance in hell. However, we at PopImage can still offer you the advice you need to become... an amazing simulation!

First, acquire an Eastern European nation.

There are many ways to achieve this feat, though most of them involve being Russia. If you do not happen to be Russia, your best hope is to introduce political, economic or social instability into your chosen nation. A campaign of organised terrorism will achieve all of these ends, but can cost both time and money, so if you do not have the right resources to hand, PopImage has thoughtfully set aside a small number of unstable Eastern European nations for your perusal. In fact, almost any Eastern European nation is up to the job.

Unfortunately, Doom's own favoured nation of Latveria is not available. Nestled between the kingdom of Symkaria and the former Soviet satellite of Transia, Latveria suffers from the all-too-common Marvel Universe problem of being entirely made-up. Symkaria and Transia might therefore seem better options, if it were not for the fact that they, too, are fictional. At this point, it might be wise to consult a map.

"Latveria suffers from the all-too-common Marvel Universe problem of being entirely made-up."

Once you have pinpointed your Eastern European nation, the Doom methodology dictates that you should ingratiate your way into the ruling elite's inner-circle, manipulate a leadership conflict, eliminate the two competing sides, and emerge as the only viable contender for the throne. At this stage, you should declare yourself king, president, and dictator-for-life. If possible, make a lot of bogus claims about defending America's interests overseas. Doom never did this, but if you do, it will ensure you get some CIA funding.

Now that you have acquired an Eastern European nation, it is time to work on your villainy. As perhaps the finest villain in all of comicdom, Dr Doom will serve as an able model for emulating almost any other arch-villain you can think of, with the possible exceptions of Turner D Century and Paste-Pot Pete. The three things every arch-villain needs are an element of human tragedy, a mortal enemy, and a surfeit of arrogance and pomposity. A hideous disfigurement is advisable, but not obligatory.

The human tragedy is essential if you want to create the illusion of three-dimensional character without any of the hard work. Proving that you too have been a victim allows you the freedom to commit all kinds of heinous acts, and may also earn you a slot on Ricki Lake. When he was a boy, Victor suffered from the prejudices associated with his gypsy heritage. His mother, a sorceress, accidentally slaughtered all the children in a village and was duly killed for her crimes. Since she had previously sold her soul to Mephisto, she went straight to hell. As if this weren't enough of a burden, Victor also lost his father to the harsh Latverian winter when a local baron chased the gypsies up into the mountains.

Not all of us have such dramatically operatic lives, but perhaps if you lost a precious pet when you were a child, or had your favourite blanket stolen by your bullying cousin, that will be enough to drive and motivate you throughout your life. Doom himself spent many years studying the Black Arts solely so that he could rescue his mother's soul from Mephisto. Similarly, you might want to buy a voodoo doll and name it after your cousin, or at the very least pick up some Tarot cards. Playing cards will do. Maybe a cup-and-ball trick as well.

For a mortal enemy, you will need to think back to your college days, or possibly your school days if you didn't get that far . Don't worry if you didn't. It's not a prerequisite for villainy. Doom never graduated either; he's not even a real doctor. Doom's great enemy was Reed Richards, the only man whom Doom would willingly credit with as much intelligence as he. Reed never had much of a problem with Doom, so it was rather a one-sided rivalry, but enough to give Doom plenty of excuses to rant and fume. For your nemesis, you will need to recapture the hatred you felt whenever you thought of that jock with the toothpaste smile, or the cheerleader with the really big breasts, or possibly Mr Walgrave, your physical education teacher. If one or other of them ever went on to lead a superhero team, then so much the better.

"For your nemesis, you will need to recapture the hatred you felt whenever you thought of ... your physical education teacher."

Then we come to the arrogance and pomposity. Most of the work here is in the delivery. Referring to yourself in the third person, and referring to everyone else as "lesser men" will get you about halfway. Avoiding contractions is also key. Never say "you've" when you can say "you have". Never say "don't" when you can say "do not". Investing in a really big dictionary would just about complete the illusion, so that you can use words like "vainglorious", "perfidious" and "alacrity" with, well, alacrity. Assuming a ridiculously bombastic name would not hurt either. Though Victor has always claimed his name is "Von Doom", the "Von" prefix is reserved for nobility, and is unlikely to have been found in the possession of a gypsy clan. Furthermore, the "Doom" part seems a little unlikely, and we've already established he was never a Doctor. Basically, you can call yourself whatever you like. Just be sure to choose wisely, as your arrogance will mean you have to name all major towns and cities in your kingdom after yourself. "Sharonburg" and "Norbertsville" do not give entirely the right impression.

Finally, for the ultimate completist, you will want to go get that hideous disfigurement. If you can do it by way of a major industrial accident, the subsequent lawsuit will also net you some capital funds. That said, Doom's own disfigurement wasn't too terribly hideous. He scarred his face in a college experiment. Even so, he felt he was now deformed, and so decided to don a metal mask to hide his features. Unfortunately, he didn't wait for the metal to cool from the forge, and as a result managed to horribly burn his face. This is irony. It is also a very stupid thing for one of the smartest men in the world to do, which just goes to show, any idiot can be an arch-villain.

You are now ready to be an arch-villain. Just grab yourself some armour and a cloak, build some robotic duplicates of yourself to fool and amuse your friends, start formulating a master-plan or two, and you too will be able to take on the world. And lose.

Andrew Wheeler is Editorial Consultant of PopImage.

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